With the premier of The Avengers upon us, I feel like I have a major dilemma as to what I should wear to the premier. I am not talking black tie because somehow we here at MNW did not get invited to any of the various openings. Not even any of the lesser opening like the one in Poland, which is bullshit because we fucking love Poland.
The fashion choices I am talking about are not those that have to compete with the metro sexual stylings of Robert Downey Jr. No, we are in a more serious competition with our peers. Those of us who show up for the first Avengers screening will be competing for most realistic costume/most depressing life. The winner receives a week or two of street cred and the possibility of getting your balls fondled by the middle aged lady with the mullet who sells the tickets. The stakes are high and the bottom line is you don’t want to look like an asshole. Fear not, I am here to help you. I will provide you with an in depth analysis of which costume will give you the best chance of capturing that elusive hand job.
The Hulk
The Hulk may seem easy at first glance. Yeah, all you need is a bunch of green body paint and a pair of ripped up shorts (preferably purple jean shorts). This seems pretty simple, think again you fucking idiot. The main problem with Hulk costumes is that people over look the fact that the Hulk is a hulk. I don’t know you but I am guessin that you are not. The Hulk costume relies heavily on your body type. If you are sitting reading this and you have done a shit load of hgh, then you have my blessing. Stop reading now and start painting yourself. In reality, you are either like me, that is you look like more skeleton than human, or you went the other way with it and you don’t really leave that lazy boy anymore. Either way, The Hulk is not for you.
Iron Man
Iron Man is a popular choice. Most people even get creative and instead of just buying the costume in the store, they make their own in the garage. Maybe get some cardboard or plastic and mold your own body armor. The main problem that you are gonna run into here is the same problem you run into every Halloween. This being that sometimes the costume you put together in your house tends to become a great point of pride. It even may look good when put on at the house when you are solo. You might even get some compliments in line. Then all of the sudden the crowd parts and you see it, coming straight for you. A full metal replica of the Iron Man suit. Basically what has happened here is that you have fallen victim to the perfect storm of a human. This person not only has more time on his hands, but also has some sort of background in welding. All of the sudden people are pointing and laughing at you. When they start throwing empty bottles at you just get out of there, don’t try to be a hero.
Captain America
It has been mentioned that Caps costume is pretty hard to pull off. I think it is harder to pull off in a movie than it is as a costume. The great thing is you don’t have to be Hulk size and you don’t have to weld anything. It looks pretty promising. The problem with this one is that you are now shouldering the responsibility of being an outstanding citizen and a model American. This means a that you are probably going to have to leave your drugs and alcohol at home. The Avengers pre-game is out for you. No one wants to see Captain America stumbling around trying to hit on nerd women. It is kind of like a Bad Santa situation. The difference is that while Bad Santa was hilarious, this just be extremely sad.
Thor
Just don’t be Thor. He is a demi-god, you work at Target. Just leave it at that.
Hawkeye, Black Widow
This is your best chance of flying under the radar and possibly getting some votes for best dressed. These outfits are pretty easy to replicate. For him just get some combat boots and the leather outfit you wear to that basement club you go to. Then maybe go get a hunting bow and you are set.
She might be more difficult. Once again just your standard leather hooker outfit. The main problem is that to replicate the boobs you might need emergency surgery which is going to cost you, but i think you can write it off your taxes.
Nick Fury
The modern day pirate. The leather duster is doable. They eye patch is going to be tough to wear, it will be itchy. I REPEAT IT WILL BE ITCHY. Your depth perception will be off, and make sure you have a back up eye patch. If the movie is too scary then you can throw both of them on and go to a happy place. Hopefully your happy place is Itchyland. I think along with Hawkeye and The Black Widow this is one of the few looks that you can actually make happen. Don’t get me wrong you are still going to look like a dick, but at least you can finally make use of that impulse buy trench coat.
