This Friday marks a big day in American history. On Friday we find out that we have been lied to our whole lives and most of what we know today as the United States was built on hard work, dedication, and hunting down and killing vampires. This Friday Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter sets the record straight.
When I originally saw that they would be making this film, I thought “Was Abe the only one?” Abraham Lincoln was pretty sweet and made some kick ass speeches, but until I saw those previews, I never knew his goofy ass could destroy vamps with ax attacks like that. If he can do this, what about the other totally badass people who have risen to power in the national and global arena? It all started with that question and after months of detailed investigative journalism, here is a list of other powerful people who rose to power after a background of hunting the supernatural.
“Speak softly, and carry a big stick.” It was not until recently that I found out he used that big stick to bash vampires heads in. You may think you can’t kill a vampire just by hitting them with a stick. Oh yeah dumb-ass? Well, you can if you bash their head in so many times that it becomes just a mess of vamp goo. They aren’t gonna be biting a lot of people when they don’t have a face.
Old Teddy was elected president in 1901. This we all know (or I do because I looked it up on wikipedia..try to keep up). He was also born in New York City and as a kid he was kind of a pussy. He was sick all the time and had to be home schooled. His mom realized that this could be a problem for him, since kids who hang out at home all the time tend to have a tough time getting laid later in life. So anyways, she had him join the Youth Vampire Hunting Troop. It’s kind of like the Boy Scouts, only instead of scout leaders taking kids off into the woods to molest them, these people taught you how to kill vampires in the most badass way possible. He killed his first vamp in 1868 and, needless to say, he was hooked. He didn’t develop the BIG STICK kill until 5 years later, but by then he was widely considered one of the most progressive vampire killers on the East Coast. You can clearly see how all of this translated into his total domination of everyone else he dealt with in global politics later in life.
He wanted to pursue a career as a full time vampire killer but there wasn’t really any money in it because it isn’t a real thing, so he went to Harvard instead. When you go to Harvard you pretty much either drop out and create Facebook, or you become president. Since he wasn’t very good with computers, he became president. The End.
If you don’t know who Patton is, just know that he is one of the reasons that I am writing this in English. If there is one thing Patton loved it was yelling at people. If there were two things he loved they were, yelling at people, and winning World Wars. If there were three things he loved they were, yelling at people, winning World Wars, and smoking vampires in the head with his revolver.
In 1944 General Patton took over as the US Third Army. Basically, he wasted no time in beating Nazi ass. Way before he took over in 1944, he was in the Olympics in 1912 for the pentathalon. After showing extraordinary athletic prowess in that event, he was taken into a secret society built around killing vampires, werewolves, and hippies. The society wasn’t really all that secret I guess. Their was no secret handshake to get in or anything. There was also very little instruction. They kind of just gave him a gun and a picture of theoretically what a vampire could look like and sent him out into the woods. Long story short, he got super good at it. Mistakes were made, and a lot of drifters who looked like they could be vamps didn’t make it through that time period, but overall he did a pretty solid job. Obviously this translated well to his army service. He was still an extremely influential supernatural being hunter when he was a General in the US Army. While fighting the Nazis there was a standing order to kill any vampires that they came along on the way. By the end of World War 2 most of the vampires in the area heard Patton was coming and would just show up at his door and blow their own brains out. It was just easier for everyone.
Nikloa Tesla is a really smart person who was born in the Austrian Empire on July 10, 1856. His village was small and when villages are small and in the Austrian Empire they are, of course, easy pickens for vamps. When he was a child he found out that he was way smarter than most vampires and proved this by acing his SAT’s. Today, Tesla is widely regarded as one of the greatest electrical engineers ever. However, back then he was just Nick Tesla, the nerdy kid who got really good grades. This led to a lot of the local vampires picking on him. This was a problem for him until he learned that Vampires have no souls and its ok to kill them. He figured he couldn’t kill these monsters in hand to hand combat, because like I said before he got really good grades, so naturally he was ridiculously uncoordinated. Thats when he discovered he could electrocute the shit out of these demons from hell. He tried it out one day and killed like 50 vamps with one trap. Keep in mind that this was well before machine guns, so a 50 vamp in one sitting blood bath was nothing to turn your nose up at. Shortly after he wiped out all the Vampires in his town with vengeance filled electric shock kills, he realized that Austria totally sucked and so he moved to NYC. He made a bunch of groundbreaking discoveries after that because the US kind of kicks ass and it’s way easier to invent things here. He went pretty nuts later on in life and got so depressed that he didn’t want to kill vampires anymore. He died broke, but I figure he didn’t really care.
Vampire killing was largely a man’s sport before this psycho got involved. Palin was McCain’s running mate in the last presidential election. She also ran Alaska for a while. She usually runs on the Anti-Vampire ticket and loves to tell people she is a Maverick. Sarah is kind of nuts.
Palin came under a lot of heat for passing some law that allowed you to snipe wolves from a helicopter. She claimed we needed to hunt so we could eat. I don’t know about you, but I don’t usually order the wolf at McDonald’s. Something seemed strange about this law. It took me a while to figure it out, but after drinking heavily for 4 or 5 days i realized what this was about. She isn’t sniping wolves from that chopper, that would just be unfair. She is blasting werewolves. See long ago these creatures decided that they were getting in a bad rap in the midwest so they moved to Alaska where they figured they could be left alone. They didn’t count on Sarah Palin being born and accidentally stumbling upon their home while slamming beers and driving her snow mobile around the Alaskan frontier. They also didn’t think she was serious when she got in her helicopter and told them she would give them a 5 second head start. It seemed like a pretty good joke until she clipped that magazine into her assault rifle and started counting.
After wiping out a bunch of werewolves she thought vampires could be kind of fun to hunt too. However, no vamps have been living in Alaska for decades. She was pretty bummed so she built this bridge in hopes of finding some, but the bridge didn’t really go anywhere. Palin decided to move to Arizona where it will be easier to run for office and there are plenty of cowboy type vampires who might put up a fight when she is bearing down on them at 200 mph in her Black Hawk.