Condoms suck. Everyone knows this. No one really wants to wear one and by the time you get them out the gal has probably got a good enough look at you to realize that no amount of effort is going to make up for the staggering lack of size. However, while we all hate condoms they are pretty essential to us getting down these days mostly because that one guy banged a monkey, then decided it wasn’t for him, and then started banging dudes again, which of course brought us AIDS.
Condoms also serve other vital functions other than just protecting us from any girl who has ever gone to a state school. They also provide us with a lot of insight into what type of person we are dealing with. Today in the condom world there are so many different brands and styles. This allows people to express there personality in the banging world before the banging even starts. The opposite of this allows us to condom stereotype a person. If this works for your everyday person, why would it not work for superheroes?
Spiderman
Spiderman is a high flying, wall sticking, webslinging badass when he is fighting crime. However, when it all comes down to it underneath the suit he is just a high-school kid who has to steal Aunt May’s Vanity Fair when he wants to get some “me time” in. This is going to be rough for him when he gets down to the real thing. He is gonna need something to slow him down which is why Spiderman is an extended pleasure guy. This will give Spidey enough time to make Mary Jane wish she would have taken the Green Goblins invite to that super creepy orgy with Tom Cruise at his place.
Batman
Batman has gotten himself in the peak human physical condition and is regarded as the greatest detective in the world. The only thing is while he seems to enjoy beating the shit out of people who look like clowns, he doesn’t really seem to be into banging chicks who look like Meghan Fox. It seems to bore him. This is why Batman goes with the Fire and Ice. You see when you are accustomed to jumping off buildings and flying around, having sex with a hot Batman groupie just doesn’t get you fired up anymore. Batman needs something to keep him into it and the feeling of Bengay burning his ball sac is just the thing.
The Hulk
We all know that the angrier the Hulk gets the more gigantic he becomes. This spells danger for some girls. You probably don’t wanna go out on a limb and let your fingers wander when The Hulk is putting in work on you. This could make him furious and he will most likely rip you in half like a phone book. His super power also leaves him with a huge problem when buying jimmies. He never really knows what size to get and they typically don’t make condoms for 12 foot men. That is why The Hulk spends his nights watching The Mentalist and sewing Magnum condoms together. This way he is ready to pop out of those stylish jean shorts whenever an everyday moment becomes that special moment – Cialis.
Iron Man
Tony Stark DOES NOT wear condoms!
Captain America
Im sure crazy right wing conservatives from the Bible belt would like to tell you that Captain America practices the only form of safe sex, abstinence (granted I am making a huge assumption that their are crazy right wing conservatives who read comics and I don’t have any idea how the topic of Caps sex life would come up but whatever…fuck you). We all know that abstinence is bullshit and if Gossip Girl has taught us anything its that 16 year olds all look like they are 30 and they bang each other all the time. So if the Gossip Girl kids are banging that means the Cap is too right? Captain America is from the 40′s so it is no wonder he doesn’t mess around with any of that new age fancy crap. He goes with the original condoms no lube, nothing. He wishes he could just wrap it up with an old piece of newspaper like he did back in the WWII days with Rosie the Riveter, but he cant risk genital herpes screwing up the American flag he has shaved into his pubes. Ahhhh, it was a simpler time.